One of the most difficult things…

One of the most difficult things for a child, even an adult child, is to realize that their parent is sick or struggling with emotional or behavioral issues.

It’s not easy or joyful. It’s not about blame or complaining. It crushes a person when they admit to themselves, let alone to another, that their everything, their own parent(s), have an emotional disorder or are anything less than perfect.

This is particularly scary when that very dysfunction or disorder in the parent was never acknowledged by the parent. Rather, the parent denied and never took responsibility for their dysfunction and issues. When that happens, the child thinks everything is their fault, which in turn creates the illusion that, at the least, the child has strong and healthy parents. While in truth, they have parents with emotional issues and they, the kids, are victims to this.

To protect this imaginary strong and healthy parents, the child learns to take it all on. “I am the problem” becomes the only way the pain makes sense.

It is scary for children, even adult children, to face their parents' disorder because realizing their parents are sick, or have issues, shreds their dream of having healthy and supportive parents. It shatters their dream of maybe one day, when they work hard enough, maybe they will be getting what they long for, which is strength, support, and guidance to live a successful and a well-lived life.

So the assumption that kids like this blame game on their parents is yet another deflection of those parents to look themselves in the mirror and taking ownership over their very personal issues, they rather shame and blame the mental health systems.

So, as a parent myself, one of the best things I did, and I am doing, is taking ownership of my issues. Not to blame myself. Not to shame myself. But first to take responsibility, to acknowledge where I am and make it better, to actually succeed in my areas of struggle.

The reward? The burden is off my kids. They can face me, face themselves in reality, they do not need to carry my shame and they can actually deal with their own lives. Finding their own strength and support. They can put their effort where it matters rather than the internal war of if “it’s all my fault” or rather I, as a parent, have some inner work to do.

It’s never too late to own your issues. To tell your child, even adult child, that you messed up, you were hurting. You can free them of your pains so they can actually work on their own stuff and win at life.

And to the kids who don’t get that reassurance? To you, I say, unhook.

Read the books, learn truth, understand the dynamics, and rather than carrying a war that’s not yours to fight and was created by your parents' inner blame and shame, take the steps to your future. To your abilities and possibilities.

Which is why when my clients or friends share with me their deep and dark secrets of who knows what they have done, my heart melts. Because that’s the last time their kids will think it’s on them. They just healed generations.

May we all find our best selves and become beings of light and love as we are designed and capable of being.

Written by: Motty Kenigsberg www.mottykenigsberg.com