Awakening…

I have been “that” many times. Awakened.
Only to disappoint myself again.
To find myself asleep again. And again.

What’s the point of waking up if I fall asleep again?
I am not referring to the rejuvenated sleep that is well deserved and pleasurable.
It’s the sleep, where I forget what and who I am. I forget my wellbeing.

It’s painful each time. And exhilarating each time I wake up. Again.
And each time I wake up I am just a little smarter, wiser and clearer.

Can I avoid the pain of Tzimtzum?
Is it possible in this lifetime?
Can I stay awake??

Can I stay in the flow feeling that everything happening around me is not me but rather here for me.
And is it somehow good for me?

It’s a pretty steep expectation to stay awake.

Maybe my ego needs sleep.
My nervous system needs it to be spaced out.
So the love can penetrate. So it can slowly heal me.

What if I am ok with the way it’s going.
The losses, the doubt, the debt, the financial messes.

What if the partner for worry is patience.
Like a heart centred wise old man. That just knows it is all ok.

Like the warmth of a grandmother who can cry with me but can also believe in me.
That can see my struggle, my pain and not doubt me.

What then? What are the possibilities of this kind of wellbeing.

Not the magic man,
Not the snap and I’m all spiritual,
Not the “I’m awake”
But rather I am human

Can I be kind enough to be realistic?

I’m willing to stretch myself
To learn further
To hold wider
To go deeper
To doubt less
To protect more
To connect to reality

To implement and integrate god in THIS world

Forgiveness is another partner in this mad mess.
It’s critical
It’s primal
To forgive is to accept
To accept is to love
And love, to love is at this point, frankly, the only fucking thing I think is real.

That feeling of love
The expression of love
Words of love
I’m not sure if there’s another reason to do anything

So here I am committing to love
Committing to wellbeing
Messy, asleep, awake or enlightened. It doesn’t fucking matter.

I am here.