Light…

Written by Layle G.

The word light.
I hear it and a shiver goes through my spine.
I cringe. Just a little bit.
I’m unsure exactly as to why.

If I think back on my life, light was a scary place.
Emerging out into it felt unsafe.
My comfort was, and still is, in my shadows. Hidden. Alone.
It’s safe in there.

Hiding.
That’s the word that I resonate with more.
Hiding my body, my face, my hands.
Covered in layers of soft clothing.
Behind them I am safe.
No one can see me.
That’s where I feel I belong.

But no.
There is a light in me that I can see.
Deep deep down.
There is a personality, clever jokes, beauty, clarity and playfulness.

It only comes out to a select few.
A few people that see it.
A few that earn it.

But why the scarcity of it?

As a child, light was always there, but it was chaos.
And now to this day, I find light disruptive.
It bothers my eyes.
Blinding me from my hidden-ness.

Revealing my insecurities.

As I drive through the Holland tunnel in New York City, and there are colorful lights across the entirety of the ceiling, and surrounding on all sides.
Panic seeps through me.
I start to shake, struggling to hold the steering wheel steady.

Why though?

Maybe it’s a lack of control.
When it’s all moving at such a fast pace, out of my control.

So, hiding, shadows, control…
What’s in it for me?
Why do I feel so safe there?

Like a turtle under its shell.
Only coming out for small nibbles of food.
But if you watch it carefully as it walks, it is beautiful, slow and graceful.
It’s exciting to see its small steps.

It’s hard shell is its home though.
Protecting it from all sorts of climatic dangers.
It’s dark and cozy in there.
It is safe.

But imagine if the turtle can play.
What would he do?
Would he roll on his back?
Kick his little feet in the air, toss a ball?
Would his face light up with a smile as he plays?

Hmm
I guess, I resonate with the turtle...

But there is more.
More to me.
I know there is.

Today is just another step into discovering it.
Discovering the safety in my light.

~ Layle

Written in a writers group process.
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